Stuck.

I feel like everyone’s lives are moving forward and they are really living it to the full and reaching for their dreams and fulfilling them.  I feel like people are getting what they want, and living the life they want, with the people that they want.  And I feel like I’m stuck right here, right now.  The same place I’ve been since middle school.  I sit at home and I have nobody to call, nobody to see, nothing to do, or nobody to do anything with.  I’m stuck with my family who doesn’t understand, and I feel like I’ve changed but I’m also exactly the same.  I’m different than the person I was in middle school, high school, freshmen, sophomore year in college.  I am not as annoying, as shy, as naive, as paranoid, as pessimist, as depressed, etc.  Yet finding myself is making me go back to being insecure, having low self-esteem, being shy, being slightly paranoid.  I don’t want to bother anyone so I don’t bother to text/call a lot.  Yet I try to reach out more through Facebook.  Faces and friends from the past, to try to let them know that I’ve changed and that I am different so that they will give me another chance.

But things are improving at home with my sister.  We are hanging out, laughing, enjoying each other’s company, but I am worried that it is all in default, that she is becoming just like me and doesn’t have any real, true friends.  And although I am loving this weird new relationship thing we got going, I don’t want her to end up like me.  She is tall, skinny, gorgeous, everything I would love to be, and yet we are so similar and I don’t want her to have the same fate as me.  And yet the same things run through my mind. “Why is she being so cool with me all of a sudden?” What are the motives, the reasons.  I feel like she judges me and that I am not “worthy” sometimes of hanging out with somebody so “beautiful” by wordly standards.  And yet it doesn’t seem fair at times, that she got everything I didn’t.  Height, weight, face, skin, etc., etc., etc.

And yet I am still being a selfish, spoiled, greedy daughter to my parents.  Spending their money, wasting my time.

I need to become more dedicated, I need to focus better.  I need to push myself. I just need to DO IT.

I don’t know what I am looking for. All I know is that it isn’t anywhere I am looking right now.  It isn’t anywhere near me, and I haven’t a clue where to look or how to look or even what to do if I ever do find it.  Oh well.

I’m such a Debbie Downer. Sorry! I probably come off sounding even more depressing than I actually am haha.

This is serious stuff, but not TOO serious, I promise. Just random thoughts in my head, a few points more exaggerated only because I don’t know how else to describe things.  So good night.

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