I’ve been drowning lately. Sinking lower and lower into the traps I’ve set out for myself. The constant thoughts running through my mind, getting me down. Life is so much easier when you’re pretty. I really wish I had something to contribute, that there was more to me than “Stacey”.
“It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” BULLSHIT.
I try…I really try to be a good person, but it only ends in me sitting here, lost in my own memories, constant reminders of how I’m not good enough. I don’t think I’m UGLY ugly, but I’m not pretty enough according to the worldly standards. I’m just “okay,” “cute” even. But where does cute get you? Nowhere. Nobody takes you seriously, nobody listens to you, and everybody just finds you annoying.
Looks or personality. Couldn’t get even one huh?
A supportive, stable, loving family or a close group of friends. Once again, didn’t get either. I have good friends, but they are all very far away living their own happy lives. I don’t want to bother them with my shit, and it does take a lot out of me to always go to them. It’s out of the way, and right now I don’t have the time for that. I’m sorry. I appreciate them I do, but they all have lives that I envy. Nobody really understands.
I’m trapped in my body, in a life I feel like I wasn’t meant to live. I want more, I deserve more.
And yet, here I am, going on and on, complaining about life. Why can’t I be happy with what I have? I have so much, I am blessed without a doubt, and there are people out there with bigger fish to fry. I am being so selfish right now. But I can’t help it…
“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Can’t do that until you love yourself, and I don’t love myself. I can’t accept myself right now, so by default, I can’t love everyone else as fully as I want to and I’m sorry for that. I discovered in Tanzania, that the only thing keeping me from fully loving everybody is me and loving myself. Yet it is the hardest thing for me.
Do I want to change? That is also another question that needs to be answered before anything can progress. And the honest answer: no. I don’t want to change my way of thinking. To be “okay” with myself, to accept myself, to love myself the way I am. Because then I’m settling. If I continue to strive for the ideal, I’ll never stop, and I’ll keep going until I get there, which is where I want to be. I don’t want to be stuck as a “Plain Jane”
I sound like the depressed teenager I was back in middle school/ high school. Everything is strangely familiar/ reminiscent of my xanga blog venting days. Nothing’s changed I guess.
I am sorry I can’t be happy. I’m sorry I can’t love myself. It wasn’t my choice.
