I recently went on the CSA fall retreat. I didn’t want to go but I sucked it up and went and it was a very nice surprise. I met some really good new people and overall had a good time not being productive in sleeping and doing any school work but I came back a happier and more peaceful person. Since then, I have just been enjoying life a lot. I am constantly meeting people for dinner and having nice long deep conversations with them and I am loving it. I am surrounded by such good, caring, deeply loving people and it is such a blessing in my life. Although sometimes I complain that I feel like such a bad person, I am still so grateful to have them around because they help inspire me to be a better person and I guess good people don’t really hang out with bad people so I can’t be all that bad. 
I am worried that I have been having too much fun dancing and hanging out with friends and slacking in my school work. I don’t have a lot of time, but that is my own fault. I waste my time on my computer on Facebook, on mylifeisaverage.com and various other sites and I need to stop. Why is the internet so useful for wasting time and procrastinating?
Anyways I had so much fun on Thursday and Friday night, but I just felt like such crap all day Saturday so I literally did not do a single thing except lay on my couch and watch TV. The weather didn’t help at all and I just didn’t function. Once I get sucked in like that, it is so hard for me to stop, to tear myself away, to function, to be a human being, to exist, to LIVE. That is what scares me the most about complacency and laziness. I guess that’s why I always like to keep on moving and constantly go about doing something, anything. I was all alone on Saturday as well and that also added to my lack of movement.
There was one Law & Order: SVU episode that I watched that talked about humans and social-ness. Being locked up in solitary confinement is one of the worst ways to torture someone. It stressed how we aren’t wired to be alone, to be cut off from contact with the rest of the human race, because that will mess with our human psyche and it will make us go literally insane by our own inner thoughts. That’s how dangerous we can be to ourselves: our own thoughts can drive us to think horrible thoughts, to do horrible things. I think that is why everyone always longs for someone else, whether it be a friend or a significant other. From middle school on, I was always alone every weekend, except for my sister and my television, day and night. So whenever I end up being alone in my apartment with nobody to call, nothing to do, I fall back into my mindless daze and become a zombie. I am most alive with others, and when there isn’t anybody, I fall into the defense mechanism of cutting myself off from life and just simply existing in front of my tv.
At first, I felt so guilty about not doing any school work but I just couldn’t bring myself to get up, move, and do something. Then I told myself to make a decision and either to just decide on doing it or not. I decided to not and just lay back for the rest of the day/night, listening to the rain and the thunder.
But whenever I am with some of my friends and I see how much they are doing with their lives, it motivates me to not become a lazy couch potato, but when the actual time comes to make the decision whether to take action or not, I seem to always choose the later. I said no to a service project that would have taken place all day Saturday because I said I was going to be too busy doing homework, then I ended up watching TV for 12 hours…what a waste of my life.
I need to get out of this funk and JUST DO IT.
I need more motivation, more focus, more drive. I feel like I have it in the form of my friends, but I must be depending on them too much because when they aren’t there, I am not strong enough to hold myself up and keep going. This needs to change. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was because of the retreat the past weekend and I had yet to fully recover. Maybe I just had a little too much to drink the night before and it just affected me a whole lot more than usual. I just need to believe and I just need a bit of hope because that will take anyone a long way.
“Maybe the happy ending is… through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”
