live.laugh.love

perfect.

iamsyc — Mon, 07 Dec 2009 17:34:43 +0000

Beautiful quotes from ifwordscankill.tumblr.com

they speak to my soul.

“Isn’t it amazing how much you can keep something bottled up inside of you? And what’s even more amazing is how you can just walk around and no one would have any idea.”

“Most days, I’m stuck somewhere between not caring at all, and caring too much.”

“When people ask me why it’s so hard for me to trust others, I ask them why it’s so hard to keep a promise.”

“f you hold back feelings because you’re afraid of getting hurt, you end up hurting, anyway.”

“Do you know what’s the mark of people worth keeping for the rest of your life? It’s when you become impossible to deal with, yet they stay.”

“There are two ways to be happy: Improve your reality or lower your expectations.”

“Everything is easier when you say it in your head, but when you have to say it out loud, it’s 100 times harder”

“Communication. It’s the first thing we really learn in life. Funny thing is, once we grow up, learn our words and really start talking, the harder it becomes to know what to say or how to ask for what we really need.”

“Sometimes we expect more from others cause we would be willing to do that much for them.”

These quotes help describe the types of things I think about and feel at various times in my life when I feel crappy.

Not saying these are what I feel right now, but the times I get low, these quotes will come in handy sometime.

c’est la vie

iamsyc — Sun, 25 Oct 2009 20:04:42 +0000

I recently went on the CSA fall retreat. I didn’t want to go but I sucked it up and went and it was a very nice surprise. I met some really good new people and overall had a good time not being productive in sleeping and doing any school work but I came back a happier and more peaceful person. Since then, I have just been enjoying life a lot. I am constantly meeting people for dinner and having nice long deep conversations with them and I am loving it. I am surrounded by such good, caring, deeply loving people and it is such a blessing in my life. Although sometimes I complain that I feel like such a bad person, I am still so grateful to have them around because they help inspire me to be a better person and I guess good people don’t really hang out with bad people so I can’t be all that bad.

I am worried that I have been having too much fun dancing and hanging out with friends and slacking in my school work. I don’t have a lot of time, but that is my own fault. I waste my time on my computer on Facebook, on mylifeisaverage.com and various other sites and I need to stop. Why is the internet so useful for wasting time and procrastinating?

Anyways I had so much fun on Thursday and Friday night, but I just felt like such crap all day Saturday so I literally did not do a single thing except lay on my couch and watch TV. The weather didn’t help at all and I just didn’t function. Once I get sucked in like that, it is so hard for me to stop, to tear myself away, to function, to be a human being, to exist, to LIVE. That is what scares me the most about complacency and laziness. I guess that’s why I always like to keep on moving and constantly go about doing something, anything. I was all alone on Saturday as well and that also added to my lack of movement.

There was one Law & Order: SVU episode that I watched that talked about humans and social-ness. Being locked up in solitary confinement is one of the worst ways to torture someone. It stressed how we aren’t wired to be alone, to be cut off from contact with the rest of the human race, because that will mess with our human psyche and it will make us go literally insane by our own inner thoughts. That’s how dangerous we can be to ourselves: our own thoughts can drive us to think horrible thoughts, to do horrible things. I think that is why everyone always longs for someone else, whether it be a friend or a significant other. From middle school on, I was always alone every weekend, except for my sister and my television, day and night. So whenever I end up being alone in my apartment with nobody to call, nothing to do, I fall back into my mindless daze and become a zombie. I am most alive with others, and when there isn’t anybody, I fall into the defense mechanism of cutting myself off from life and just simply existing in front of my tv.

At first, I felt so guilty about not doing any school work but I just couldn’t bring myself to get up, move, and do something. Then I told myself to make a decision and either to just decide on doing it or not. I decided to not and just lay back for the rest of the day/night, listening to the rain and the thunder.

But whenever I am with some of my friends and I see how much they are doing with their lives, it motivates me to not become a lazy couch potato, but when the actual time comes to make the decision whether to take action or not, I seem to always choose the later. I said no to a service project that would have taken place all day Saturday because I said I was going to be too busy doing homework, then I ended up watching TV for 12 hours…what a waste of my life.

I need to get out of this funk and JUST DO IT.

I need more motivation, more focus, more drive. I feel like I have it in the form of my friends, but I must be depending on them too much because when they aren’t there, I am not strong enough to hold myself up and keep going. This needs to change. Maybe it was the weather, maybe it was because of the retreat the past weekend and I had yet to fully recover. Maybe I just had a little too much to drink the night before and it just affected me a whole lot more than usual. I just need to believe and I just need a bit of hope because that will take anyone a long way.

“Maybe the happy ending is… through all the pain and embarrassment you never gave up hope.”

Update.

iamsyc — Mon, 14 Sep 2009 06:54:47 +0000

Well. I have not written in a while and my last post was, er — quite depressing and er– yeah … so… let’s move on. Anyways, yes, life is happier now as usual. I think there is a quote like “However long the night is, the dawn will break”, something to that effect and it is quite appropriate in this situation. Whenever I do get the random low, depressed moods, it really seems like the biggest deal in the world and it really does feel completely hopeless. But then, I hold on and emerge a brighter, stronger individual. I just studied hardxcore for some of summer, and so returning back to school, naturally I took a break. And another break. And another. Get the point? Laziness is getting the best of me lately. And Facebook and other useless time suck websites on the internet. CURSES. I have secondary applications to finish for dental school. One is even due WEDNESDAY AND I HAVE YET TO PUT A MAJOR DENT IN IT. It’s only like 5 questions though. Stuff like “describe your best character trait” etc. type, which is always a bit difficult and everyone always sugar coats it in order to make them sound even more oh so wonderful. I killed the DATs which I am grateful for, but the only thing between me and completing my applicating are the 5 checks waiting to be mailed out, which can only happen after my mother puts money into my bank account, and the Health Professions Office at Rutgers. They apparently never saw the class I re-took over the summer because it didn’t appear on my transcript, so they calculated my science GPA wrong, and i was freaking <.1 SHORT OF THE FREAKING SCIENCE GPA MINIMUM THAT THEY REQUIRE. SERIOUSLY?! Naturally, I sucked up to them and tried as politely as I could to try to get them to see that oh yes I do in fact have replaced a D with a freaking A so hurry up and change it ASAP SO THAT I CAN GET AN INTERVIEW. This is seriously never ending and they are just making me wait longer to finish my app which means my chances of getting into to dental school this cycle are getting lower and lower as each day goes on…

ANYWAYS. I am denying that my laziness is in fact senioritis. It doesn’t really feel like senior year for me as I will still have at least 4 more years of schooling ahead of me. And also admitting the fact and saying senioritis out loud may affect me even more and make it worse, which is DEFINITELY NOT A GOOD THING. I need to just really buckle down STARTING TOMORROW. I tell myself that maybe it was because of last week’s crazy schedule going from Monday to Wednesday, etc. I always tell myself that once I have a good routine, I settle down and get to work. Which will start tomorrow.

Classes will be good hopefully. Most will be easy. Orgo lab will be annoying, but not too horrible since studying Orgo for the DATs is helping tremendously for Orgo lab and I am so grateful for it. I seriously would have no idea what is going on in that if it weren’t for the good old DATs. I am dancing A LOT. Like…really a lot lot. Ballet I, Modern Dance I 4x a week. RPDC maybe 3x a week. I want to keep trying to go out to Fr3sh every week so that’s another 2 hours every week. I hope I don’t get in way over my head and slack off on my studies due to it. But I will figure it out once things get rolling at a constant pace, I know my limits and how much I can handle. Systems physiology is fine except for the professor. Oh my goodness, her accent is killing me, and all the material is pretty boring right now. We went through the cell and the plasma membrane, which has been drilled into my head within the past half a year, but I am not going to use that as an excuse to not work hard in it. I will still read it and try to really learn it as if I had never seen it before. I can’t wait to really start getting into the real good stuff about every little detail about everything so that my science Tourettes can fully return.

I have decided to return to Starbucks in order to get more studying done. I lived at Starbucks for 2 entire weeks straight and it really got to be a bit too much. But I focus so much better there, with just my headphones plugged in, listening to my music, sitting at a wooden table, freezing my ass off and just learning, and the occasional people watching break. But yeah, I am going to keep making it a habit because it will only do me good. The only problem is that I will have to keep buying Starbucks drinks, and there is a Chipotle, haagen daaz, jamba juice, and various other delicious food places around. But hey, studying hard makes me lose weight so maybe it’ll balance out right? Hah.

Anyways, one particular thing has been coming up recently in my thoughts. I won’t disclose on what it exactly is, but I just feel that maybe it is about time, maybe I am ready and I am getting a bit impatient because I am seeing this EVERYWHERE AROUND ME. I can’t wait for when it finally happens and I know how excited I will be.

So once again. I stay up late being unproductive in school work wasting my time on useless websites such as blogs and Facebook. GET IT TOGETHER STACEY. DO YOUR SECONDARY APPS, READ FOR SYSTEMS PHYS!!!!!!!!

I really wish there were more hours in a day.

BTW, check out briether.wordpress.com

He is an amazing writer and a good friend. Hilarious and a very unique, intelligent, caring individual who will go far in life and I believe that with all my heart. He once wrote how he was jealous of people who knew where they were headed. Well he doesn’t know that I frequently become jealous of him because of his humor and way with words. He is just a very interesting person and I really wish I had that sort of Type A personality. I sort of do and I sort of don’t. But that’s a whole ‘nother story.

Time to go to sleep feeling so guilty about being unproductive. I am going to be SO TIRED TOMORROW IN SYSTEMS PHYS AND THE CLASSROOM WILL BE FREEZING AS USUAL. Maybe that will keep me up, or maybe the material will be boring and maybe I will actually fall asleep in class for the first time in a very long time. Until next time.

Au revoir!

Drowning.

iamsyc — Sun, 19 Jul 2009 20:11:44 +0000

I’ve been drowning lately. Sinking lower and lower into the traps I’ve set out for myself. The constant thoughts running through my mind, getting me down. Life is so much easier when you’re pretty. I really wish I had something to contribute, that there was more to me than “Stacey”.

“It’s what’s on the inside that counts.” BULLSHIT.

I try…I really try to be a good person, but it only ends in me sitting here, lost in my own memories, constant reminders of how I’m not good enough. I don’t think I’m UGLY ugly, but I’m not pretty enough according to the worldly standards. I’m just “okay,” “cute” even. But where does cute get you? Nowhere. Nobody takes you seriously, nobody listens to you, and everybody just finds you annoying.

Looks or personality. Couldn’t get even one huh?

A supportive, stable, loving family or a close group of friends. Once again, didn’t get either. I have good friends, but they are all very far away living their own happy lives. I don’t want to bother them with my shit, and it does take a lot out of me to always go to them. It’s out of the way, and right now I don’t have the time for that. I’m sorry. I appreciate them I do, but they all have lives that I envy. Nobody really understands.

I’m trapped in my body, in a life I feel like I wasn’t meant to live. I want more, I deserve more.

And yet, here I am, going on and on, complaining about life. Why can’t I be happy with what I have? I have so much, I am blessed without a doubt, and there are people out there with bigger fish to fry. I am being so selfish right now. But I can’t help it…

“Love your neighbor as yourself.” Can’t do that until you love yourself, and I don’t love myself. I can’t accept myself right now, so by default, I can’t love everyone else as fully as I want to and I’m sorry for that. I discovered in Tanzania, that the only thing keeping me from fully loving everybody is me and loving myself. Yet it is the hardest thing for me.

Do I want to change? That is also another question that needs to be answered before anything can progress. And the honest answer: no. I don’t want to change my way of thinking. To be “okay” with myself, to accept myself, to love myself the way I am. Because then I’m settling. If I continue to strive for the ideal, I’ll never stop, and I’ll keep going until I get there, which is where I want to be. I don’t want to be stuck as a “Plain Jane”

I sound like the depressed teenager I was back in middle school/ high school. Everything is strangely familiar/ reminiscent of my xanga blog venting days. Nothing’s changed I guess.

I am sorry I can’t be happy. I’m sorry I can’t love myself. It wasn’t my choice.

Stuck.

iamsyc — Fri, 10 Jul 2009 04:05:55 +0000

I feel like everyone’s lives are moving forward and they are really living it to the full and reaching for their dreams and fulfilling them. I feel like people are getting what they want, and living the life they want, with the people that they want. And I feel like I’m stuck right here, right now. The same place I’ve been since middle school. I sit at home and I have nobody to call, nobody to see, nothing to do, or nobody to do anything with. I’m stuck with my family who doesn’t understand, and I feel like I’ve changed but I’m also exactly the same. I’m different than the person I was in middle school, high school, freshmen, sophomore year in college. I am not as annoying, as shy, as naive, as paranoid, as pessimist, as depressed, etc. Yet finding myself is making me go back to being insecure, having low self-esteem, being shy, being slightly paranoid. I don’t want to bother anyone so I don’t bother to text/call a lot. Yet I try to reach out more through Facebook. Faces and friends from the past, to try to let them know that I’ve changed and that I am different so that they will give me another chance.

But things are improving at home with my sister. We are hanging out, laughing, enjoying each other’s company, but I am worried that it is all in default, that she is becoming just like me and doesn’t have any real, true friends. And although I am loving this weird new relationship thing we got going, I don’t want her to end up like me. She is tall, skinny, gorgeous, everything I would love to be, and yet we are so similar and I don’t want her to have the same fate as me. And yet the same things run through my mind. “Why is she being so cool with me all of a sudden?” What are the motives, the reasons. I feel like she judges me and that I am not “worthy” sometimes of hanging out with somebody so “beautiful” by wordly standards. And yet it doesn’t seem fair at times, that she got everything I didn’t. Height, weight, face, skin, etc., etc., etc.

And yet I am still being a selfish, spoiled, greedy daughter to my parents. Spending their money, wasting my time.

I need to become more dedicated, I need to focus better. I need to push myself. I just need to DO IT.

I don’t know what I am looking for. All I know is that it isn’t anywhere I am looking right now. It isn’t anywhere near me, and I haven’t a clue where to look or how to look or even what to do if I ever do find it. Oh well.

I’m such a Debbie Downer. Sorry! I probably come off sounding even more depressing than I actually am haha.

This is serious stuff, but not TOO serious, I promise. Just random thoughts in my head, a few points more exaggerated only because I don’t know how else to describe things. So good night.

Happy 4th!

iamsyc — Sun, 05 Jul 2009 04:33:05 +0000

Random things that consisted of my day:

Breakfast at IHOP which was too heavy, tennis, yoga, It’s Greek To Me (Greek salad, YUM!), driving all around to try to get a glimpse of the Macy’s fireworks with my sister then ending up 2 blocks down the street from my house to catch the last 5 minutes of the fireworks, drinking SoCo & Lime and getting tipsy with my sister for the second night in a row, watching “27 Dresses” with James Marsden (CUTIE), and about to go to bed and I will be GOING INTO THE CITY TOMORROW SO EXCITED!!!!

Sooo life is pretty much good, except I am still so lazy with studying…but hey, come Monday I will be in kickass hardxcore study mode!!!!!

So LOVE YOU LOTS! xoxo <3

haha good night!

iamsyc — Sat, 27 Jun 2009 03:40:45 +0000

“YOU MUST BE THE CHANGE YOU WISH TO SEE IN THE WORLD.” -GANDHI

I need to really start believing in and following this quote. I need to get my act together and start being a better daughter, friend, sister, student. I should become that which I admire most. However, so much easier said than done.

Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to life. Here it is. So stop wasting time and live it.

I wish I could follow my own advice.

Why can’t I ever be completely satisfied, content, happy. What am I searching for? What am I longing for?

But I am doing well regardless and I can’t complain. I just keep thinking the grass is greener on the other side and it’s any other side besides the one I am at. But I am excited for things to come, especially July 5!

And I will be sharing my testimony of my trip to Africa on Sunday so that will be so exciting and good for me. It will hopefully take me back to Tanzania and all the memories, all the people will come rushing back in to my head and my heart and I will continue to remember them and keep them with me always.

So live.laugh.LOVE.

Hahaha

iamsyc — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 11:19:07 +0000

You Might Be That Guy If You Are a Guido

and

Guido Beach

and

Failblog

See, I already love wordpress so much more.

Hello.

iamsyc — Thu, 25 Jun 2009 10:44:50 +0000

I had a tumblr but disliked the fact that there was no way to comment or anything so I decided to switch over! Let’s see if this is more successful and please feel free to comment if you know me and if you are reading this!

I had this about my title and description on tumblr, so I’ll add it here as well.

I am all about the live.laugh.love saying, because it is a great motto to live by and I am calling myself beautiful not because I am conceited and think I am physically beautiful, I am saying it because I know that I am beautiful in many different ways, especially because I was created by God. It will also serve as a good reminder to myself to always remember that I am beautiful in God’s eyes and that that is the most important thing.

So live fully, laugh loudly, and love unconditionally.